Welcome to Renewed Hope Couples!
My name is Renee D. Brown, MA, I am a therapist in Aurora, Colorado. I have a strong passion for working with couples to help them in their relationships. Welcome to my blog, here you will find article pieces written by me, to give insight on relationships. There will also be things that I find that I will also share.
So to begin, why is it so hard to be in a relationship that is healthy? Most couples will come up with a long list of things that are not going well, or that they have complaint about when it comes to the other person in their relationship. However, as a therapist I have found that when couples stop to look at the big picture there are a few simple things lacking in the relationship that would change many aspects of how the dialogue of the relationship goes.
Most people are very willing to look towards the other person as the root of the problems, or better yet the reason for their complaints. He/She doesn’t help around the house, She/He isn’t interested in intimacy anymore, He/She works all of the time, She/He doesn’t help with the kids, He/She keeps me in the dark, She/He yells at me a lot, He/She shows other people interest, She/He just does not seem happy anymore. This is a long list of general, vague reasons that people give for relationship problems. However, there are more severe ones that happen if the couple does not address the problems when they are at this point. Cheating, doing things without the other one, verbal/emotional abuse, possible violence, enraged fights, sleeping in separate bedrooms, separation, and finally divorce.
No couple gets married to end up divorced. We all have dreams of what our relationships will be. Hoping that there will be lots of love and fun. Unfortunately many relationships do not go that way, often times ending badly. Does this have to happen this way? Do we believe in this day and age that marriages are disposable? As the author of this blog I will be honest and say that I am on my third marriage. I am not proud of that fact, nor do I think that I have more information about marriage because of it. I am simply a woman that was in two previous relationships that were not good for me. The first one I was way too young to even consider if I was ready to be attached to someone for the rest of my life. We got married with every good intention, and realized within a few years that we were not supposed to spend our lives together. I wish that I could say that it ended well, it was not pretty, but I can say today that we are great friends, we co-parent very well together, and I have a very high regard for him. My second marriage was very much a mistake from the beginning. It was a very abusive relationship that never got any better, and took cheating for me to finally realize that I deserved better than what I was living with, and so did my children. I wish I could say that there is a friendship there. All I can say is that we do the best that we can co-parenting our child. Now, I am in a healthy relationship that has two imperfect people loving each other through good and bad times. We accept each other for who we are. We love one another even when things are difficult. He is a wonderful father, and an amazing man. I am thankful everyday for the beautiful relationship that we have.
Honestly, that is the key to it all. Loving each other through good and bad times. That does not mean that at times there will not be anger, frustrations, and even the desire to give up. What it means is that each person has the utmost respect for the relationship and their partner. With the commitment to not give up when times are hard, and a desire to work through the things that are hard. No where does a marriage vow say that we have to put up with being abused, or that marriage means that everything will be perfect and give a sign of happily ever after. Just like all things that have meaning in our lives, we have to work at them. We have to take responsibility for our part of the relationship, and we have to have gratitude about the relationship and our partner.
If you continue to follow this blog there will be many different hints and tips to making our marriages/relationships work. That does not mean that I am going to write about cute little bunny rabbits and butterflies flying around our heads. It means that I will get real, get hard, get dirty in the conversation of relationship and what it takes to have a relationship that will last.
Now, I will give a list of a few things that make a marriage successful. The beauty of this is that they are simple, the ugliness of this, is that the simplicity of this makes people get lazy.
1. Communication: not just "hi, how are you", but sometimes gut wrenching honesty that is hard to say.
2. Gratitude: it is important for everyone to show gratitude. As humans we have to work hard for what we want in life, relationships are no different. However, it is easy to loose sight of the things that we are grateful for. Spending some time each day reflecting, and sharing what we are grateful for when it comes to our relationship and partner, will do wonders for the relationship.
3. Active listening: I am sure that everyone has seen the new memes floating around social media talking about listening. They say that most people listen to respond instead of listening to hear. This is very important! If we are so set on something that we need to say in response while someone is talking, we are likely fixated, and will not hear the rest of what that person is saying. Many times what we want to respond is already being addressed by the person that we are listening to, but we miss it because we are no longer hearing, but waiting for our chance to say something. To anyone who is talking, this shows that person that what they have to say it not that important. It is very important to give that person our attention and respect.
4. Love: A willingness to love even when someone is being unlovable. This seems harder than it is. Love is a choice. We can chose to love a person in spite of their actions. No one is going to do everything right, actually many times we do a lot of wrong, but that does not mean that we do not deserve love. Not everyone has a wonderful family of origin life, but we stick with these people. Of course there are situations out there that what I am saying is not correct, but for the majority, this is true. We do not just get rid of our parents, siblings, children, when they are not being lovable. We choose to love our family in spite of poor choices or bad behavior. We need to view our relationships/marriages the same way.
5. Responsibility: Taking responsibility for our part of the relationship. When couples come into my office I make it very clear right up front that no one person is 100% responsible for what is going wrong in the relationship, any more that no one person is 100% responsible for what is going well in the relationship. Too often we are ready to blame another person for what is painful, or frustrating. We are unwilling to see that person’s side or point of view, and we end up believing that the other person has wronged us or is the problem in the relationship. It is a very freeing thing to the relationship when both parties show equal responsibility, not just pointing a finger at the other one.
So these are the five simple things that relationships need in order to really do well, and be healthy. If you find that you are lacking, or just want to know more, keep coming back. I will break down the 5 things, and then continue on from there in the blogs to come.
Put a little HOPE in your day!
Thank you!
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